Nick’s Knowledge Nook has finally expanded into the world of print journalism. In this very special extended article, you will finally get to learn about the birthplace of our soon-to-be-syndicated column of questionable accuracy. It is time for Nick’s Knowledge Nook to go on tour!
For the uninitiated, Southern Utah University is located in the quaint little town of Cedar City, Utah. It is my understanding that Cedar City was named after Edward City III, who was the town founder’s favorite step-cousin (don’t fact-check that since it’s not online). There are many fantastic locations here in town that are a must-visit for any SUU student. Similarly, there are many foul areas that should be avoided. Here’s everything you need to know!
Fantastic: The library crosswalk
There are many crosswalks in Cedar City, so why does this one deserve recognition? As a writer, I have been blessed with the ability to wield the English language like a dentist wields a pair of small medical tongs. I could compare the crosswalk to a summer’s breeze or a winter’s karate chop. However, to convey the appeal of this location, it is better to let the numbers speak for themselves.
Length: At least 120 inches
Width: At least 120 inches
Number of rectangles: 11
There you have it! With statistics like that, it should be obvious why this breathtaking crosswalk is a must-visit. On an unrelated note, if you would like to support Nick’s Knowledge Nook by donating to the Longer Tape Measure Fund, you can do so by leaving unmarked bills in the Newsroom.
Foul: The landfill
Unless you have a fascination for giant piles of garbage, this location is not a day-trip destination. The ambiance is more trashy than trendy, and the smell is comparable to a block of moldy cheese that forgot to shower for a whole year.
Camden Calandrino, a student at SUU, shared his opinion as an environmentalist.
“I think trash is inevitable as a society because everything is wrapped in either plastic or cardboard,” said Calandrino. “It’s an unwanted thing that we have to deal with and a problem we have to put more resources towards to deal with.”
As evident as it is that Calandrino will be voting for the Green Party, it is also clear that the landfill is not a place he would like to visit.
Fantastic: The Providence Center Lighthouse
One thing Cedar City residents often take for granted is the fact that we don’t have to worry about ships crashing into our shores. It is unclear how other cities mitigate this issue, but for our town, the solution is our iconic lighthouse. The Providence Center Lighthouse stands at 88 feet tall, which is the height of five average-sized giraffes stacked on top of each other. This beaming beacon is one of the coolest sights in the city.
Foul: Nick’s Mind Palace
Nick’s Mind Palace is a mental fortress wherein many of the Knowledge Nook articles are conceived. Although it is beautiful (it’s entirely made of polished marble), I don’t recommend visiting this place unless you are prepared for some shenanigans and possibly even a hijink or two. Shauri Thacker, the copy editor for SUU News, is forced to experience this psychological funhouse every time they edit one of my articles.
“While I actually revel in getting lost in the M. C. Escher’s “Relativity”-esque layout of Nick’s Mind Palace, it’s certainly not for the faint of heart. Perhaps that says more about me than Nick,” said Thacker. “I pride myself on being one of the few to venture in and out without a complete mental collapse occurring.”
Fantastic: The sheep tunnels
The sheep tunnels are a fascinating sight and a popular hang-out spot for Cedar City youth. The tunnels were most likely created by the Society of Secretive Sheep during Prohibition, although we know it was also sometimes used by sheep herders to transport livestock. If the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came to Cedar City, I am sure they would absolutely love to eat pizza and play video games here. For all we know, they are already down there partying. Find out for yourself by visiting this amazing underground passage.
Foul: Walmart
One of the most eclectic and unique shops in Cedar City is a little grocery outlet called Walmart. This store offers an impressive variety of products, but between the fluorescent lighting and faint smell of chemicals, it’s an unpleasant place to be. Nick’s Knowledge Nook does not endorse the Walmart brand and encourages CEO Doug McMillon to send any lawyer that he thinks can withstand the full might of the SUU News legal team.
Fantastic: SUU Newsroom
The most fantastic place of all is the SUU Newsroom, located in the America First Event Center, Room 209. This is where journalistic dreams are made and word count-related nightmares are overcome. Never before has there been a space specifically designed for creating nonsensical, wildly inaccurate column pieces. However, once this article wins a Pulitzer, there will be many more. Now go hit the road!
Author: Nick Stein
Photos: Nick Stein
Editor: Kale Nelson
life@suunews.net
This article was originally published in the March 2024 edition of the University Journal.
