Your Weekend Horoscope According to Someone who Knows Nothing

Greetings, moonchild! If you’re feeling a little stressed over registration, holiday excitement, or The Cuffing Season–Turkey Drop Paradox, perhaps a little mystic energy will help. Check out your horoscope for the upcoming weekend, including possible activities to do, dating advice, and blessings coming your way.

Editor’s note: I don’t really know what I’m doing. In fact, I’m pretty sure astrology isn’t real, but I started buying stones to help with anxiety and suddenly I feel like a hippie. I’m so sorry if your horoscope doesn’t make any sense. I am not a licensed astrologist (do those even exist?), just someone who enjoys using her own horoscope to validate haircuts and relationship choices. Good luck!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

As a Scorpio, your passion and stubbornness drive most of what you do. But that doesn’t mean that you should be stuck on not making the first move. If there’s a cutie in your class that you’ve had your eye on, now is the time to act! Plan a date outside before it gets too cold, and ask! Out! Your! Crush! 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Even extroverted optimists get tired of being social. You’ve been going, going, going, trying to stay on top of everything, as well as balance your busy social life. Take a break and binge a movie series this weekend. I suggest “Twilight,” “Lord of the Rings,” or “Indiana Jones.” Focus on relaxation and cleansing, and I promise you’ll have a better week because of it. (Actually, no I don’t. I’m just assuming.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

You’re very disciplined, Capricorn, but sometimes you just need to let go a little. Maybe this means trying a new hobby. Try getting out of your comfort zone and have a paint night! Turn on some Bob Ross, make some brownies, and paint away. Get all of those pent up emotions out on the canvas and have some fun. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

You’re a deep person, Aquarius. You hate small talk and enjoy those late night drives and emotional conversations. If you’ve had a lot on your mind lately, find a friend for one of those nights that you love so much. Take a drive up the canyon, grab some ice cream, and buckle up for some catharsis. 

Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20)

Because of your affectionate nature, you’ve been so focused on helping others that you’ve forgotten about yourself. Take a bath, listen to music, and eat some comfort food. There’s no need to worry. Soon, a person you’ve been wanting to open up to will enter your life more eager to listen than you even know. Don’t be afraid to ask for their help – they want to offer it. (Probably.)

Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19)

You might be competitive, but don’t let this affect your dating life. It’s often easy to pit ourselves against others, comparing traits and flaws. Don’t do that! Often the gap we think should be filled by a significant other, really just needs to be filled with a friend. Reach out to someone you’ve had contention with recently and do something adventurous. 

Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20)

Alright Taurus, you’re known for being a sensual sign. And this weekend, you gotta let that shine. Dress up, go out, and flirt! Try talking to new people, getting on the dance floor, and just being your happiest, confident self. People want to see that in you. (Also, if this works and you fall in love this weekend, please let me know. I might be psychic.)

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Because of your versatile nature, you’re not very picky. Take this weekend as an opportunity to try a new restaurant! Maybe make a date out of it too and show off your highly cultured personality. I suggest the Thai restaurant above Bloomers on Main Street. It’s delicious and affordable. 

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Cancer babies unite! This weekend is one for doing what you want. Don’t feel like going out? Stay home! Tired of binging T.V. all week? Make plans! You’re in control this weekend because you deserve it. Also, getting outside for a few hours might be nice. Soak up what sun is left of the year and do your thaaang. 

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Your dramatic tendencies might be driving some people away right now. It’s not your fault, that’s just what the stars say (I guess).  Try reconnecting with those around you and do something that they want to do. You have some great friends and family that love you so much. Treasure that this weekend!

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sep. 22)

For someone who’s as loyal as you are, Virgo, you could really use a companion. But instead of checking out the dating scene, go pet some dogs! Make a day trip to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary and make a new furry best friend. You might even wind up adopting one. And for that, I say you’re welcome. 

Libra (Sep. 23–Oct. 22)

You’re a diplomat, Libra, which means school and politics are probably right up your alley. While I’m not suggesting that you spend the weekend at the library, you could take a few hours to read a new book and learn about the upcoming national election. Do some research and really impress your friends about your knowledge of Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren. Also, voting is hot!


Story by: Amanda Walton
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