If you’re wondering how this week’s episode of “The Bachelor” went, here are the four sentences that made up an entire hour and a half of our lives last Monday:
Lady contestant: “Hey y’all! I’m seriously convinced I’m falling for this (middle-aged, washed-up race car driver) man.”
Ladytestant’s Father: “Don’t you dare hurt my little girl.”
Arie Luyendyk Jr.: “ . . . I would rather die than see (insert name) hurt. Oh, and here is a gift basket and flowers.”
Ladytestant’s Mother: “I trust my daughter’s judgement.”
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
You’re all caught up, see you here next week.
Oh, all right, here are all of the sordid details of ABC’s “The Bachelor,” week eight. It’s hometown week!
Kendall has this week’s first hometown visit. They spent the beginning of the date in a taxidermy room, where Kendall set up a table for herself and Luyendyk to taxidermy their very own rats.
Kendall tells Luyendyk her story of getting into taxidermy, which stems from her childhood hikes finding dead animals and wanting to keep them forever. This was followed by the two of them playing puppet rats making out on a mini stage.
Finally meeting the family, Luyendyk’s biggest fear has got to be Kylie, Kendall’s identical twin sister. Kylie sees all, reads energy, hears all, asks all and isn’t convinced that Luyendyk is as invested in her sister as he should be in order to earn Kendall’s effection or the family trust.
In the end, Kendall is convinced that she is falling for him, Luyendyk says he won’t hurt her, they kiss and he drives away.
Now we are in Tia’s hometown of Weiner, Ark.
After Tia’s setup, a dirt track racing date, we head for her home where her dad and brother are protective and Southern-folksy. They aren’t taking any of “Airy’s” B.S.
However, Tia’s mom forgot to grab her daughter by the shoulders and shake her while pointing out that this Luyendyk fellow is a beige colored lollipop, and the fuzzy side of one to boot. Instead she gives a half-hearted blessing telling Luyendyk that she trusts her daughter.
Next is Becca K.’s home in Minnesota, where nothing remotely different from the other two performances happen. They pick apples and Luyendyk keeps telling the camera Becca would make such a great mom and wife.
The visit to Lauren B.’s home cracked me up! Never have we seen Luyendyk so nervous and so scared as he was looking into the face of Lauren’s military career father. Unfortunately, a mention of him visiting troops to say “thank you” diffuses the situation and we go back to dying of boredom.
Lauren and her family all agree she has never looked this happy with someone.
Then, back in L.A., it was time for the rose ceremony.
Luyendyk takes Kendall aside, trying to force her into saying she is in love with him and ready to settle down. She stands her ground and in the end gets a rose anyway along with Becca and Lauren.
So long, Tia.
Next week is set to take place in Peru, the land of hot, messy romance (obviously). Not sure why, out of all the countries in the entire world, “The Bachelor” is going to Peru.
My predictions for week nine are that Kendall will leave when she realizes something, perhaps dignity, is holding her back from completely giving herself to Luyendyk.
Becca K. will get all of the attention and Lauren B. will be left confused and angry.
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