As we all know, transportation is a huge factor to consider while in college. Variables such as weather and traffic conditions can make it difficult to get to class on time. It hasn’t always been this way, either. Back in my public school days, I was conveniently transported to school every day by a big yellow contraption that is commonly referred to as a “school bus.” This brightly-colored vehicle made the commute to school as easy as playing ping-pong against a one-year-old baby. So how do we bring the ease of public transportation to Southern Utah University? Fear not, dear reader, for I have the solution: helicopter rides.
It is unrealistic to expect SUU to instantly install a full transportation system with no prior infrastructure, and trust me when I say that this problem does require an immediate solution. With each day I am required to make the five-minute journey to campus, another piece of my soul turns into moldy cheese. Luckily, the answer is right here on campus. SUU is home to the biggest collegiate helicopter fleet in the nation, which means they should have no problem sparing a single helicopter to fly me to school.
You are probably wondering how this radical new transportation initiative will accommodate the entire student body. Unfortunately, this is where we have to get realistic. Life is not all sunshine and unicorns. In this case we have to focus on a single, very special unicorn named Nicolas Craig Stein. I’ve been very nice lately, and I haven’t missed a single class so far (despite the aforementioned soul-cheesing), and I feel that I deserve a little reward. I also feel confident that if the pilot were to fall unconscious, I could figure out the controls and land the aircraft safely. Finally, I am the one who thought of the idea so I get dibs. The good news is that once the university administration sees how successful the idea is, they will undoubtedly invest billions of dollars in extra helicopters for the rest of the student population.
I am asking for your support in helping me get this idea off the ground. Literally. Raise your voices in unison, demanding that this change be put into effect without delay! When the readers of Nick’s Knowledge Nook band together, there’s nothing that cannot be accomplished. I look forward to waving down at you from the skies!
Author: Nick Stein
Photos: Courtesy of SUU Aviation and Nick Stein
life@suunews.net
