As I’m sure you know by now– partly because I won’t shut up about it– it’s Spooky Season! The days leading up to Halloween are some of the best of the year.
For me, it’s all about the scary movies, especially when there’s a killer involved. I love the tropes, overly fake gore and somehow very outrageous yet eerily realistic slasher horror.
Of course, these slasher films would be nothing without their lead villain. Whether it be a revenge story or oddly traumatic childhood, we can always count on masked killers bringing joy to Halloween movie lovers.
However, these serial killers would be nothing without their iconic looks, some of which are…kind of hot? Not in a “I need therapy” kind of way, more of a, “Why do cute men always turn out to be psycho murderers?” way.
Here’s a ranking of where the crowd favorite serial killers land on my hot-or-not scale. I’m not insane, I promise.
5. Freddy Krueger– “Nightmare on Elm Street”
There’s really nothing working for him here. The jacked up face? Nope. Knives for fingers? Inconvenient. The fedora and striped sweater? No, thanks. I’m sure he has some good reasoning for brutally murdering teenagers in their sleep, but that makes it really hard for him to get a girlfriend. Sorry, Freddy, you’re in dead last. (Ha ha, get it?)
4. Jason– “Friday the 13th”
So, here’s the thing: Jason has mommy issues. Like, really, really bad ones. And sure, some of that is not his fault (i.e. drowning as a child). But even if his face was not completely wonked up, no one wants to date someone so obsessed with their mother that they preserve her dead body for rituals. Not cute. What he does have going for him is the hockey mask, I guess. At least he’s sporty!
3. Michael Myers– “Halloween”
Michael is notorious for killing without reason, which is not only creepy, but a little annoying. I can’t really give him any benefit of the doubt, he’s really just someone who grew up on killing innocent women. At least he has consistency and ambition? As far as looks go, we don’t really ever see Michael’s actual face, so all I have to go off of is his mask…which is just that of a generic white man. So he’s just an average-looking dude, I suppose. Not necessarily bad, but definitely not good.
2. Billy Loomis– “Scream”
Here’s where we start getting into the good stuff: Billy Loomis. He’s crazy. Straight up nuts. But have you seen his hair? Although it gets a little greasy a lot of the time, Billy’s really out here looking like a discount young Johnny Depp. As far as brains go, he’s got some! Honestly, I know murder is wrong, but he’s really smart and clever about it. At least his victims get to play some movie trivia before they die. That’s how I want to go out.
1. Norman Bates– “Psycho”
Back at it again with the mommy problems, I see. But besides that, Norman really takes the cake as the hottest slasher movie villain. Look at the eyebrows! Those cheek bones! And did I mention the charming turtle necks? As long as he doesn’t have access to any of your clothes to play wacko dress-up in, I bet he’d make an awesome husband. You could own your own motel, have a shockingly large collection of stuffed birds and visit him in prison whenever you want. Ah, romance.
While I don’t encourage the dating of serial killers, if it’s ever going to happen, at least choose a cute one.
Story by: Amanda Walton
life@suunews.net
Photos Courtesy of Google
