Dear Thor: I’m in love with my professor

Dear Thor,

 

There is a professor I am in love with, but I’ve already taken all of the classes they teach. How do I keep the flame alive between us?

 

Please send help!

Hey T-Bird,

First of all, what you are feeling is completely normal. Studies have shown that the majority of college students pick their majors based on “perceived professor attractiveness” (PPE). Beyond physical beauty, teachers are also some of the most noble and kind-hearted people in the world. Teaching is legally classified as a public service, because the salary provided is negligible at best. It’s only natural for you to feel some form of affection for someone in such a selfless career path. 

You say you’ve already taken all the classes taught by this professor; that would normally be my first suggestion, but it appears you figured that one out on your own. You’re now ready to take this relationship to the next level. Fortunately, I am not merely a Thunderbird. I am also a LOVE-bird. I’ll bet you haven’t heard that Native American folk tale. Listen carefully, dear reader, because what follows is a foolproof way to win the heart of any educator. 

Communication is key to any successful relationship. You need to signal to this individual that you have feelings for them. Traditionally, this has been done in the form of a simple apple left on the teacher’s desk. It is said that an apple a day will keep doctors away, and educators are partial to anything that helps them avoid using their meager healthcare benefits. With that in mind, make sure to dice the apple into small pieces to reduce the risk of choking. 

You may be thinking to yourself at this point, “But Thor! How will Professor Gorgeous know that I am the architect of this apple surprise?” Allow me to explain the next step in this romantic machination. No more than 24-hours after the apple drop, you must visit your secret muse and say the following phrase: “How did you like them apple?” Not only will this unmask you as the architect behind this plan, but it also demonstrates a working familiarity of the Damon/Affleck filmography, which is a universally attractive trait. Blammo! True love achieved. 

It may seem at this point that the plan is complete, but there is in fact one last step to ensure the longevity of your newfound love. It’s true that communication is key to any relationship, but more specifically, honest communication is essential. If this professor finds out that your courtship was based on advice given by a 4,000 year old feathered mascot, your partnership could implode with the force of a thousand Depp-Heard defamation lawsuits. To prevent this outcome, you unfortunately must collect every copy of this edition of the University Journal, and incinerate them in the nearest volcano. With this final act of destruction, your love will be free to blossom from the ashes. 

Hope this helps! 

Love,
Thor

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